Fighting

Right now. Right this very minute I am fighting myself and all the crap that’s been dumped on me. 

I’m a relatively talented person who, thanks to all the crap, has never really been able to put it together for any extended period of time. I hate it. I hate limping along feeling tormented, caged, and failing. I am failing my wife, my kids and myself.

If you have read this far I’ll ask you to pray for me. Pray for my wife and kids too. I’m not easy to love but they do.

Shame Has Been Gunning For Me

I am not prepared to share publicly the shame that has racked me nearly all my life, I will say that it is rooted in the home(s) I grew up in and the people in my family.

Along the journey, I shared my burden with a friend who never once betrayed my trust. He never made a scene and he never told me what to do with the words and events I was sharing with him.

After high school my friend and I went to different schools, I got married and busy in my career. He went onto law school and practiced law in a town a couple hours from where we grew up.

We didn’t really lose touch but we both were busy, independent, driven people who were determined to succeed in life.

After getting married, I accepted Christ and became regularly involved in church. It was during a Sunday night church service that a woman walked by and the scent of either her perfume, fabric softener, hair spray, something was identical to the scent attached to the situation attached to my shame. 

As if smelling ammonia after being knocked out, I recognized the aroma and was flooded with an immediate and devastating sense of sadness, grief, and pain.

Despite my best effort, I was unable to gain my composure. I was collapsed on the floor, sobbing when two of my friends helped me to my feet and to an office in the church where for the next several hours I continued to sob and try to relay to my friends and one of our Pastors, what was afflicting me.

My shame gained power in my life when I stopped sharing it. I didn’t share it publicly but I didn’t keep anything that was happening to me to myself. I had a friend that I could talk to. When I stopped talking to my friend about the things happening in my life, I began to wear them.