On the Ropes at the End of 2018

So, here we are. The end of a year that was supposed to be my transformative year with another new job, new address, in a town I like to call home. 2018 was supposed to be the year where this Phoenix rose from the ashes and once again I would find personal satisfaction in faith, family, friendships, work, and life in general.

It hasn’t happened.

I am sitting here on December 31, 2018, staring at the prospects of a 2019 that absolutely terrifies me, because I realize that 365 days after my previous declaration of war against my spiraling life that my life is still spiraling.

My problem isn’t skill or opportunity, my problem is getting out of my own way. I used to think it was an issue with focus and I would beat myself up for being a failure because I had so many ideas but now, the ideas are all gone and it isn’t that I don’t care it is that I don’t have the capacity to care.

This is what my day to day battle looks like but I don’t really know how to label it. I go so deep inside of me and just get stifled. I guess John Lennon was right, the “one thing you can’t hide is when you’re¬†crippled inside.”

I’ve tried to beat it, escape it, avoid it, overcome it, deny it, give it away and more. I’ve tried meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, counseling, and even tried to stop talking about, choosing to focus on those things that are positive in my life. But just like that stupid golden ring that torments and tempts those little people from middle earth, when I do that I feel some sort of sick need to run back to the identity this numb, lifeless, enemy has given me.

There it is, the first several paragraphs of what sounds like resignation or forfeiture, the raising of the white flag in surrender to this evil adversary that owns too much of the space between my ears.

SCREW THAT!

Sure, I’m up against the ropes but I have been knocked down before and I got up off the mat and while I am hanging on here for dear life until this round is over, you better know that when I get back to my corner the one and only true and living God will nourish, heal, and strengthen me so that I can once again get back to the center of the ring and with gloves on or off, I will win because HE says I will win.

2019, the comeback continues

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